oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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