remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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