I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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