Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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