can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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