$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
