Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
