I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
