How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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