I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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