I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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