I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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