If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
