tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
