he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
