I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
