he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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