Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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