I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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