Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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