In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
