p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
