If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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