I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And then my night got REAL pukey
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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