I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
