I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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