just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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