Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
