Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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