is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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