I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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