dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
