i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
