Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
