i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
