Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
