**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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