I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
