It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
