i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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