I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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