Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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