i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
