I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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