my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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