Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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