i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
