Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
