having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
