I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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