I met the friendliest cop last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
