Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
