smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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