Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
