just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
