It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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