I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
