Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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